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I have this favorite song by Dido, Look No Further, and I thought I would sing it to Jules after she was born, to soothe her - I could picture Cary overhearing and thinking it was sweet. (Yep, that's how my mind works.) But I actually couldn't remember the complete words and it wasn't even 3 a.m., and it didn't soothe her anyway; her crying interrupted me. Rude girl. Perfect girl. Like every other mom thinks. Even her warped ear is endearing ... But my friend was right, every blogger turned mom thinks her experiences are worth sharing. So here only expect the mediocre giggle and relatable event as the blog title implies.

A piece of plastic with a fake nipple did the trick, pacifying her. The best feeling since seeing her dark wet head and wriggly body handed to me by Cary. My dad is reminded of Maggie from the Simpsons when she sucks on the pacifier. The creators seriously must've watched a sucking-obsessed baby to get Maggie's trademark really right. And if you look away for a moment, magically the pacifier has moved to her feet.



Never in my life have I wanted to "accio" things so much. The Harry Potter spell would come in unbelievably handy while feeding or holding her, carrying all the things, or a spell to lift her from my arms undisturbed and into her own space. Water, phone, remote, keys. Accio, accio, accio, accio.

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Also a typing spell would be useful. Oh just face it, everything would be easier if Hogwart's existed.

I took Jules to her first movie. Jupiter Ascending. Meh. And inside a bookstore. While I looked around and hoped she liked the smell and the quiet, she passed a loud one. I gave her her first cold and her first sunburn at barely over a month. We have a three-legged dog because of our mistake and I wonder how much we'll make our kids pay for our oversights, for our determination not to worry too much. I focus on that she has a cool birth certificate and goes on train rides and has a passport.

Here are some more trite things for moms in Japan and beyond:

I have more respect for moms everywhere, from birth to breastfeeding.
I have less respect for stay-at-home moms who complain (not vent) while in sweats and with Netflix on in the background. Bill Burr says it best.

Why does diarrhea of the mouth occur when it comes to parenting advice? Others and my own.
I wish the funniest-in-hindsight things that happen during newfound parenthood weren't rated R.
I wish I didn't talk about kids now as much as the guys talk about aviation.
Will we ever talk about anything else again?

Just kidding, this is the new Gerber baby.